Marriage Anchors

8. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 2: Focus on the Provider and not on the provision.

Marriage Anchor 2: Focus on the Provider and not on the provision.

After years of mentoring couples, we find many are focusing on what God has provided them instead of focusing on the One who provides. We try to help them first look to God so they can properly see their mate.

Here is the dilemma. You marry the love of your life. You step down off the marriage altar and begin to zero in on your mate. Naturally, over time, you begin to focus on his or her faults, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. [...]

8. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 3: Surrender this hour.

Marriage Anchor 3: Surrender this hour.

Typically when we think of “surrender”, we think of giving up, tossing the towel in, or giving in to the opposing forces’ demands. In the spring of 1865, General Lee had to make the most difficult decision of his life. The following is an eyewitness account:

With his army surrounded, his men weak and exhausted, Robert E. Lee realized there was little choice but to consider the surrender of his Army to General Grant. After a series of notes between the two leaders, they agreed to meet on April 9, 1865, at the house of Wilmer McLean in the village of Appomattox Courthouse. The meeting lasted approximately two and one-half hours and at its conclusion the bloodiest conflict in the nation's history neared its end…

At a little before 4 o'clock General Lee shook hands with General Grant, bowed to the other officers, and with Colonel Marshall left the room. One after another we followed, and passed out to the porch. Lee signaled to his orderly to bring up his horse, and while the animal was being bridled the general stood on the lowest step and gazed sadly in the direction of the valley beyond where his army lay - now an army of prisoners. He smote his hands together a number of times in an absent sort of way; seemed not to see the group of Union officers in the yard who rose respectfully at his approach, and appeared unconscious of everything about him.

All appreciated the sadness that overwhelmed him, and he had the personal sympathy of every one who beheld him at this supreme moment of trial. The approach of his horse seemed to recall him from his reverie, and he at once mounted. General Grant now stepped down from the porch, and, moving toward him, saluted him by raising his hat. He was followed in this act of courtesy by all our officers present; Lee raised his hat respectfully, and rode off to break the sad news to the brave fellows whom he had so long commanded. ^[i]

Surrender is never an easy thing. It tears at the very fabric of our being. One of the main reasons for destructive conflict in marriage is that one or both mates are fighting an ongoing Civil War in their own hearts. The battle is not between the North and the South, but it is between God and self.

We desire to call all the shots and run our life apart from the lordship, direction, and empowering of the Holy Spirit. This very personal, spiritual battle lies at the crux of almost every struggle in marriage, in family, and, in fact, in all relationships.

Galatians 5:16-24 says:

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.”

Minute by minute, hour by hour, it boils down to this: Choose to follow Christ and His Word or continue to navigate the rocky waters of sin, and stubborn self-will. You will discover that when you lay down your weapons of pride and self-focus, you will become someone your mate wants to be near. You will find yourself with a servant’s heart. When you honor God in your home with a choice to serve your mate and surrender to Christ’s rule, He promises you something. 1Samuel 2:30b says,

“Those who honor me I will honor…”

We invite you to surrender this hour to the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ. Join Jesus in His prayer to our heavenly Father for surrender in Matthew 6:10:

“your kingdom come, your will be done…”

If you are not, yet, a follower of Christ and therefore, do not have the gracious, enabling Holy Spirit within you, please click the following to find out how to invite Christ into your life:

click link to Your Anchor

GIVE: https://give.cru.org/0139150

Contact: Jim.Grunseth@Cru.Org

^[i] "Surrender at Appomattox, 1865," EyeWitness to History, www.eyewitnesstohistory.com (1997).

7. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 4: Look for the Ancient Path.

Marriage Anchor 4: Look for the Ancient Path.

Jennie, a young lady in her early 30’s, went for a relaxed, peaceful walk in a national park. The sky was blue, the air fresh, and the trees whispered in the breeze. She chose a well worn path that many hikers often took. After about ten minutes, she came to a fork in the trail.

The path to the left seemed wide and smooth with very few hills or curves. The one on the right was narrow, with roots and half buried boulders. It curved left to right and up and down deep into the thick forest. The left path seemed inviting and clear of thorny vines. The right path was initially not appealing. It was the more difficult way.

Which path do you think she chose?

Each of us is given the opportunity to choose the right or the wrong path. Honor and character are never achieved easily. Brokenness, humility, and servanthood are definitely not found on the wide path on the left where most people travel. Who in their right mind wants to become broken, humiliated, and servant-like? These three qualities are desperately needed in a Christian Marriage. Both marriage partners need to regularly ask God to lead them on this demanding journey. In the Bible, Joshua 24:15 says,

“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

We want to encourage you to choose the best, yet more challenging path of following the Lord Jesus with complete abandon. Choose to love and serve your mate without condition. Give up your quest to find your inner self. It will only lead to disappointment and despair. Call upon the Lord Jesus. Choose to issue kindness and peace instead of contention and rage in your home. Apply Jeremiah 6:16:

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls…”

Allow yourself to be brought low. Ask that God grant you His wisdom and grace to love, affirm, and protect your mate regardless of their ability to earn it. In the book of Proverbs, Chapter 4: verses 12-15, we receive advice:

“When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way.” (Bold added)

Continuing in Proverbs, Chapter 4, look at verses18 and 19:

“The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.”

Choices:

Look up. Look up to Christ alone. Gaze upon Him and only occasionally glance to the concerns of this world. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 Your mate will be encouraged!

Look out. Look out beyond yourself and your pain. Ask Jesus to give you eyes for those in need of compassion, patience, and understanding. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 What an example you will be for your family!

Look past. Look past people’s sins and help them whether they are of a foreign faith, background, or citizenship. Look past how others have hurt you. See beyond the injury they have caused. Forgive and choose to love. Be as Christ would be to them.

Look away. Turn your eyes away from wicked, worthless things. “I have made a covenant with my eyes.” - Job 31:1 “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” Psalm 101:3a Ask, “Will this honor God?”

Look ahead. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 Too many husbands and wives are wearing their bright badge of suffering from the wounds of their past. If not dealt with, this will cripple their present relationships. They seem not interested in giving out compassion because they are always wrapped up in demanding to receive it. Forsake this self-focused cry for pity.

Look to. Look to your present and your future in light of eternity. Don’t get bogged down with the temporary things of this earth. Help the poor, issue forgiveness, and share with those who need the Savior. Learn to serve the Lord together so you and your mate develop a humble reputation for loving Christ and serving others. Only what is done for Christ will last forever.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 (Bold added)

GIVE: https://give.cru.org/0139150

Contact: Jim.Grunseth@Cru.Org

7. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 5: “Hesed” your mate no matter what.

Marriage Anchor 5: “Hesed” your mate no matter what.

In the Old Testament book of Hosea God commands a man to marry and love an unfaithful woman called Gomer. She even became a harlot after their marriage and Hosea has to buy her out of sexual slavery. So much for her keeping her vows! The year was about 710 B.C. and God had called Hosea to be His prophet to the Northern Kingdom known as Israel.

Hosea 3:1-3 says, "The LORD said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.' So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, 'You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you.'"(Bold added)

In Hosea 2:19-20, God reveals to us the type of love He has for His children (Israel) and therefore the type of love Hosea is to demonstrate through obedience to God toward the unlovable, wretched Gomer. He was not asked to feel “in love” or to experience romantic warm fuzzies, but rather to show love.

Hosea 2:19-20 reads, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.” (Bold added)

This love is “hesed”. Charles Ryrie in the NIV Study Bible (p. 1203) writes, “It means loyal, steadfast, or faithful love and stresses the idea of a belonging together of those involved in the love relationship. Here it connotes God’s faithful love for His unfaithful people.” By Hosea choosing to obey God’s command to unconditionally show mercy, and unwavering commitment to Gomer who did not deserve it, Israel would have a “real life” model of God’s unending, unmerited, unwavering love and mercy toward them.

Likewise, in Psalm 21:6,7, King David writes a powerful message to us:

“Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence. For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.” (Bold added. This is the Hebrew word, “Hesed”)

God’s love will never fail you even when you fail Him. He will never leave or forsake you. You are prone to failure. He is not. You, oh Christian, are the glad recipient of God’s everlasting, unconditional favor and uncondemnable kindness. His “hesed” for you is because of Him, not you. In His eyes, you are innocent of all charges. You have been washed by the blood of the Lamb. You are holy and precious to Him. Treat your mate the way God treats you.

You are to demonstrate this same “hesed” love toward your mate. The world is watching. The world is searching for evidence that the God of the Bible is real and that His love for His children is unconditional and everlasting. When you honor God and love your mate as Hosea loved Gomer and as God loves His children, others will be drawn to the Lord Jesus Christ. Souls will be robbed from being sent to Hell, and the numbers in Heaven will increase. Now you know why Satan wants to isolate and destroy your marriage. People are looking at your marriage to see if Jesus and the Bible are real! ^[i]

Does the Lord Jesus really satisfy your weary, frustrated, and, at times, wandering soul? Is your marriage a “satisfied” marriage? Gladly receive God’s hesed and quickly pass this tender, uncompromising love on to your mate. It is contagious!

[i] Adapted from Chapter 10, “Oars and Life Jackets”, Remember the Rowboats: Anchor your Marriage to Christ, pp: 94-95.

GIVE: https://give.cru.org/0139150

Contact: Jim.Grunseth@Cru.Org

7. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 6: Rest in what Jesus has decided about you.

Marriage Anchor 6: Rest in what Jesus has decided about you.

Bob and his wife, Maria, are in a rut. They each feel like they cannot measure up to what they need to be. Bob struggles being a few pounds overweight, very impatient, and, always trying to earn praise from his bosses at work. He has some health issues but does not want anyone knowing about them. What might people think if they found out about his weaknesses and insecurities?

Maria worries all the time. Battles with her kids, her looks, her clothes, and her health are made more complex because of terrible memories from her past. Abuse and disrespect in her pre-adolescent and teen years has left her with a very damaged and sagging self-image. She wishes she were someone else with a different history and better life.

Most of us, at one time or another, feel like we don’t measure up. If we are not confident in our identity in Christ, two destructive things can happen: We will settle for our depressing opinion of ourselves or we will despair trying to get other people to like us.

If you are a follower of Jesus, the Devil has a well oiled plan to destroy you, your marriage, your family, and your witness for Christ.

He despises the truth so he feeds you very believable lies. He gets you to believe that your worth in life, at school or work, and at home is based on three things:

Your performance
Your appearance
Your possessions

He will help you construct an Ideal Version of yourself that is always better than the Real You.

If you are a man, you may desire to be more handsome, more popular, and in demand. You may desire more degrees, more promotions, better health, more hair, and a great physique. You may feel your big break will come any day now.

If you are a woman, you may want more men to notice you. You may wish you weighed less, had better clothes, and a perfect childhood with an intact family. You might wish you had a great home, wonderful friends, and perhaps a loving, stable husband along with healthy children. You might expect others to you admire more for your ability to spin many plates at once with amazing skill.

What the Devil does not tell you is that as you strive to become that person who performs better, has better appearance, and has more things, this Phantom and monstrous Ideal Version of you raises the bar and looms even higher! The result is you feel terrible! You say to yourself, “Oh what’s the use! I try hard. Then I give up and fail. After awhile, I try hard again only to repeat the tragic cycle. Not only can I not measure up to my punishing Ideal Self, but I feel I cannot measure up to my mate’s demands and those at work / school and church! I want to check out! I feel like tossing the towel in and running away or maybe hurting myself…”

Jesus has wonderful news for you! The only “you” that Jesus loves, died for, and delights in is the Real You! You know, the one who is imperfect, who stumbles and fumbles. The one who struggles and does not have his or her act together. The one who fails now and then. The one with the imperfect past. The one who is a few extra pounds over weight. The one who’s mate is critical towards them. The one who has doubts and insecurities.

Jesus wants to crucify your Ideal Self, rebuke the Devil and send Him fleeing!

Circle at least 3 of the following eternal truths that bring you hope and encouragement: (Note: These are all true at all times and in all places if you belong to Jesus.)

You are God’s own daughter or son. John 1:12
You are a fellow heir with Jesus. Romans 8:17
In Jesus, you are a brand new creature. 2 Corinthians 5:17
You are right now a Saint! Ephesians 1:1
You are Heaven’s citizen—not Earth’s. Philippians 3:20
You are made righteous. You did not earn it. 2 Corinthians 5:21
Jesus will never leave or forsake you. Hebrews 13:5
You are redeemed and forgiven forever! Colossians 1:14
You are not really living! Jesus is living in and through you! Galatians 2:20
You can never be condemned again! Never! Romans 8:1
You are precious, honored, and always loved just the way you are. Isaiah 43:4-5

Be of good cheer. Your Lord Jesus loves you. He will comfort, provide for, and guide you. Zephaniah 3:17 captures beautifully your Heavenly Father’s endearing compassion for you, cradling you softly and safely in His arms:

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

“Faith is choosing to live as though the Bible is true,

regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends.”

Life Builders Faith Principle, Campus Crusade for Christ

If you choose to rest in what Jesus has decided about you, you must live by Faith. We recommend you memorize the following Faith Principle and then start applying it as you read and meditate on Scripture.

If you are God’s child, and He accepts you just the way you are, warts and all, then you need to cherish, affirm, uphold, and accept your marriage partner just the way he or she is, imperfections, insecurities, idiosyncrasies and all! After all, aren’t you to love your mate in the same way the Lord Jesus loves you?

GIVE: https://give.cru.org/0139150

Contact: Jim.Grunseth@Cru.Org

7. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 7: What is best for your marriage will be best for your family, in-laws, church, work, and community.

Marriage Anchor 7: What is best for your marriage will be best for your family, in-laws, church, work, and community.

Trying to blend two families is like putting rocks and a wet towel in a blender, turning it on, and expecting God to create a delicious smoothie. Barbara had three kids and I had four! The kid’s ages ranged from 10 to 17. We were sort of the Brady Bunch on steroids! My first wife had passed away from cancer and Barbara’s first husband divorced her for other women. Now all nine of us were being brought together. At times, everything seemed peaceful. Other times, it seemed like a three ring circus. Still other times, we thought we were fighting in the Civil War! The Grunseth’s versus the Benson’s, “Us” verses “Them”.

This turf mentality, very common in blending families, can also occur in traditional, intact families. Sometimes this battle of the blending family involves well meaning, yet intrusive, over controlling, in-laws trying to heavily influence the way you should be raising your children. Inflicting guilt upon you for not going to their home for holidays as frequently as you go to “the other grandparents” is common. Your in-laws may demand action or require explanations for the decisions you make that affect their lives.

1^st Anchor 7 Principle: You don’t need to give anyone an explanation for

the decisions you make.

If you and your mate have discussed and prayed about what your plans are for the holidays, lovingly and graciously inform your extended families. If any of them demands an explanation, they never respected your decision in the first place.

It takes humble, gracious guts to set this Anchor! The in-laws will not like this at first. Some may try to punish or emotionally hook you and make you feel guilty. Do not give in to this self-focused tactic. If they are going to have a relationship with you, they will learn to respect you and the integrity of your marriage and family minus explanations.

Beware! A common and serious problem in younger couples is when the husband’s parents wield powerful influence over him. What happens is his young wife feels insecure and not protected. She feels she is in competition for love and loyalty with her husband’s parents. The parents begin to subtly marginalize her. She gradually begins to experience being cherished less and less by her husband. He is also frustrated and torn. He loves his wife but he does not wish to displease or hurt his parents. He is in the middle of a tug of war battle between loyalty toward his parents and love for his wife.

Many marriages break up over this dangerous threat to marital unity and oneness. In this case, the husband must take action. He must defend his beloved wife, cherish her, and most likely he will have to respectfully confront his parents. For me, this was the hardest thing I had to do while I was in my late 20’s. My emotional pain was crushing me. I was torn and in the middle.

I learned from Scripture and Bible study groups that when I got married to my first wife, I became one flesh with her. I was not one flesh with parents or children or my brother. God had called me to humble myself and rise up to the occasion and protect and cherish my wife. If I had not done this, my first marriage probably would not have made it. Genesis 2:22-24 says it loud and clear:

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called 'woman’, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

For those of you who have ex-mates, if you are remarried, not only are you not one flesh with your ex, but that in a firm and respectful way, you must make it absolutely clear to any and all that you are only and totally one flesh with your new mate! Your new marriage will almost assuredly be tested. Stand firm on these truths. Men, your wives’ greatest need is to experience being safe and cherished. Ladies, your husbands’ greatest need is to experience respect and affirmation. Do not let your past threaten your present and thus your future!

2^nd Anchor 7 Principle: Never let your children get in between you and

your mate.

If you have pre-adolescent children and teenagers under your roof, they can become masters of pitting one parent against the other. Some will become very adept at knowing when, where, and how to push just the right buttons in you. If you do not have this Anchor strongly set in place, contention, rage, chaos, and depression will surface in family members. Left unchecked, these emotionally manipulative kids will drive a wedge in between you and your mate.

Because the husband and wife are not absolutely unified as a singularly, loving and consistent team, some of the more contentious children will end up causing great pain and isolation in their parent’s marriage. This usually is not their intent because they simply want what they want so they test the boundaries set for them. This is quite normal. Allowing these wonderful kids to pit one parent against the other is divisive and destructive.

Going against your mate and giving in to your demanding or contending adolescent will severely hurt your marriage solidarity. It will also communicate to your kids you really do not love or respect them or each other. Using the sports analogy, your kids need to know that you and your mate where the same team jersey!

We recommend letting your teen know that you understand their request and that you and your husband / wife will go to your room together and privately discuss the request and pray about it. After, some sort of unity is attained, you will come back to your teen and let them know what your unified decision is…and that it is final. If discipline is needed, let your teen know you and your husband / wife will pray at bed time together. In the morning, “after the silt settles”, you will let them know what your unified decision is. They probably won’t like this, but in the long run two things will occur:

They will experience being loved and respected.
They will be secure knowing their mom and dad will never break up.

Decide that as long as both you and your mate have breath and a heart beat that no matter what, you will pass all decisions through the question-filter of “Is this best for our marriage?”

“Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Matthew 19:6 NLT

“Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1a

GIVE: https://give.cru.org/0139150

Contact: Jim.Grunseth@Cru.Org

7. July 2010

Comments Off on Marriage Anchor 8: Establish and enforce strong moral fences.

Marriage Anchor 8: Establish and enforce strong moral fences.

Battle Casualty

The following story is fictitious but similar destruction of good families occurs regularly in America. The Devil is the enemy of your soul and he seeks to determine the outcome of your character and your witness for Christ. Be on the alert!

Pastor Dave was a good man. He loved Lynn, his wife, very much. He also loved their two children, Mike and Kelly. He pastored a small church and for the most part, the church people got along well.

In addition to preaching and teaching, he also counseled a growing number of people at church. He knew that many people were hurting and struggling with issues and problems. Both he and his wife cared deeply for them. Because of the needs and demands of ministry, Dave found himself working longer hours. With meetings, discipleship and evening counseling, he found himself only two nights a week home alone with his family. He was a pastor and he cared. He felt that he needed to be "on call" even during his nights off. He grew to hate the phone.

Lynn, his wife, began to resent all the meetings that took her husband and the kid's father away all the time. She began to wonder if Dave was married to the church more than to her.

They did not talk much about it. When they did, they were both so tired that the tension between them was never properly dealt with. They buried their anger.

Even though they wore their "smiles" at church, at home their jaws tightened. Dave and Lynn began to isolate themselves. They really had no one to pour their hearts out to. Who can a pastor and his wife go to anyway?

Everybody in their home, especially the kids, found themselves walking on egg shells. The invisible tension was growing. Yet, it was as if there was some kind of unwritten rule that stated:

"We are hurting. But because we are a pastor's family and are to set a good example, we will not talk about our problems. We will ignore the tension. We'll rise above it. It will go away someday."

Both Lynn and Dave tried to cover up or medicate their pain by getting more involved in the church and other people's lives. After all, isn't that what Jesus wants?

Satan and his legion of dark angels assigned to bringing down this family unit crouched in the corner of the church-plotting, planning, grinning, with eyes wide open. One particularly crafty demon turned to his master and softly whispered:

"Oh Prince of Darkness, we praise you for your ability to blind and destroy. This miserable pastor's family is slowly falling. Soon they will be ours. Much damage. Much pain. Look! Ha! No one is praying for them. No one is looking out for them. They are busy, tired, isolated. There is much tension, denial. Yes! No accountability! No encouragement! They've lost perspective. This married couple is not praying out loud regularly together. Now, in for the kill!"

Karen, an attractive and gifted divorced mother of three small children visited Dave's church today. After the service, Dave introduced himself to her and welcomed her. She was gracious and stated that she was looking for a good church home. She also inquired if she could help further develop a children's church program.

Dave thought he had died and gone to Heaven!

"Yes!” he said, fumbling for the right words. They set up a meeting for Tuesday at noon at the church to discuss these possibilities.

Dave found himself rather looking forward to this meeting. He wasn't sure why. When Tuesday noon arrived, he and Karen met in his office with the door closed. The part time church secretary had left for lunch.

All was innocent. Plans were made for Children’s Church. They closed in prayer.

Dave suddenly found himself not quite as depressed as before. He felt hopefull again. Ministry was no longer the drag that it had been.

They met each Tuesday noon in the church-alone. All was innocent. Intentions were good and godly. Good plans and prayer developed. But more than that developed.

At the end of their fourth meeting, Karen, looking a little needy, asked Pastor Dave, "Do you have a minute, Pastor?"

“Sure!”, Dave said.

She proceeded cautiously but kindly. She began to open up about the struggles she was having with her youngest daughter. She said that she valued his wisdom. Dave felt good. He felt respected, appreciated.

He listened to her. After she shared, for some strange reason, he felt the urge to share with her how tired and busy he has been lately. He even shared that he thought he needed to cut back on some ministry to preserve his family and his sanity.

She listened intently. She fully agreed with him. She smiled at him and told him how blessed the church was to have him for a pastor. He soaked this up!

Over the next few months, not much changed. Dave and Lynn were cordial but found themselves squabbling more and more over the littlest things.

One Tuesday, Dave called Karen at her office and said, "Hey, Karen, what do you say we try that new restaurant over on Third Avenue instead of meeting here in this stuffy office?"

"Good idea!” she laughed. "I'll see ya there at noon." It seemed harmless, fun and a nice break.

Dave and Karen met for lunch at least once a month. Dave never bothered to tell his wife about it. Intentions were good. No crime there.

Six months later, Karen met him at the restaurant. When she sat down, she started to cry quietly. Dave's heart went out to her. His loving compassion swelled. With God's love, he calmly reached over and held her hand.

“What’s wrong, Karen?”

She poured her heart out and told him that she just got word that her father had passed away. After lunch, they went back to his office and prayed and talked some more. Much more.

After an hour, as Karen got up to leave, she looked into her beloved friend's eyes and asked, "Could I just give you a hug-in the Lord?"

They calmly embraced. Funny, how could something as spiritual as this feel so good? He held her for a rather long time, comforting her in her grief. She felt safe in his arms, her pastor's loving arms, almost like Jesus holding her.

A month later they began holding hands regularly at prayer times. They were on the same ministry sheet of music. Lynn was not. What was wrong with Lynn anyway?

“Lord, thank you for Karen. What a fine sister.”, Dave thought.

At the end of one of their brother-sister hugs, Karen gave Dave a tender, loving kiss on the cheek.

Dave never felt so good, so manly, so needed. Deep in his heart, he almost wished that his wife could be more like Karen.

One Tuesday when Lynn was visiting her parents one hundred miles away, Pastor Dave invited Karen over to his home for coffee and prayer.

That day was bright and sunny. A cool breeze filtered the air. Dave could not get over how nice she looked. Her perfume was just right. They looked at each other with a long look. They embraced each other, kissed, then tenderly and expectantly walked toward the bedroom...

God was forgotten for awhile.

They met secretly like this three more times over the next few weeks.

Being with Karen was wonderful! Yet the guilt became crushing. Dave began to wish that he would die in a car crash or that lightening would somehow strike him. He felt dead inside. He felt tortured by his sin. How could he have let Lynn, his wonderful children, and the Lord down?

This was inexcusable! He felt he was worthy of death! He would confess this to God, break it off with Karen, and then put it behind him.

Plans Didn’t work.

Two weeks later, Lynn received an anonymous phone call. She learned of the betrayal. She could not believe it. Her life would be destroyed. "No, it is not true.” she cried.

She gently, firmly confronted Dave that night with tears forming in her eyes. Dave at first denied it, his eyes glancing quickly to the right. Then, about an hour later, he could no longer live with himself. He broke down and confessed his sin. He cried and cried. Lynn felt raped by his sin. She felt dead inside. Perhaps she could forgive him, but she just knew their marriage was over.

Counseling did not work. The church asked Dave to leave. Lynn and Dave got a divorce. It was worse than death. The children were devastated. They felt to blame. Three months later, Dave was working two part time jobs: 25 hours at a hardware store, and 25 hours at a grocery store. The house sold. Lynn and the kids moved into a very small apartment. Dave had already moved into one a while back. They were broke. Someone from church gave her a job as a receptionist for a small company.

Both Dave, with child support and alimony payments, and Lynn, with her meager salary, could barely make ends meet. Some helped Lynn. Few helped Dave. God forgives. People often do not. The divorce cost $28,000 dollars. No more savings. No more piano lessons. Forget vacations. The dog had to go.

The children cry often. Their rage grows…

Pastor Dave did not win. A lot of people lost with him.

*****

Anchor 8 Principles:

· 1. Be wise in your weakness. Since you are always weak, your choice is to either be wise or foolish in your weakness. Unfortunately, the great majority of people are deceived by the Devil. Because of their self-sufficient pride, they actually think they will not fall.

2. Trust yourself less. Godly wisdom is learning to trust yourself less and less everyday and entrust yourself to God, to your mate, and to a few good men / women (same gender)

3. Seek regular, affirming accountability. One of the marks of the man or woman who experiences, brokenness over their pride and self-sufficiency is desperate hunger and thirst for God and His Word. He or she willingly seeks godly encouragement, inspection, and then confession results. You dare not trust in your own strength or ability to walk uprightly with the Lord. If you do, you are a sitting duck for the Devil.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

Godly accountability is gracious, and affirming. Mutual confession and the bearing of one’s soul can take place with confidentiality and freedom.

James 5:16 says: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

4. Guard your heart; Guard your marriage. Each person’s plan will be different. With your mate, establish agreed upon moral fences for each of you. Some we have established are the following:

Never stay in hotel rooms alone.
If in a hotel room with my wife, she has full control over the TV remote. I never touch it. I do not trust myself!
We never mentor or meet alone with a person of the opposite sex. We want to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
If either of us senses in our heart any “danger signals” that there are any emotional fireworks or red flags from any person, we share it and take guarding action.
Barbara and I both seek and have one or two people (same gender) who can share at the “gut, temptation, weakness, and sin” level.
We recommend https://www.covenanteyes.com/ “guard your eyes and heart” protection on your computer and cell phones. Men, be sure your wife is the password keeping administrator… never you!

In light of all of this, do you see the vital importance of establishing and enforcing moral fences? Please join us so that your marriage will make an eternal difference!

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” 2 Corinthians 11:30