Marriage Anchors

Have you ever asked yourself this question? After years of mentoring couples, we find many are focusing on what God has provided them instead of focusing on the One who provides. Here is the problem. You marry the love of your life. You step down off the marriage altar and begin to zero in on your mate. Naturally, over time, you begin to focus on his or her faults, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies.

Subtly, you begin to reject your mate and require him or her to measure up to some set of standards. You subconsciously demand that he or she improves and meets your needs. Your mate feels he or she will never measure up to your performance-based requirements.You both will drift and isolate from each other. One or both of you will begin to look for someone else who will treasure you, respect you, or love you the way you feel you deserve.

When this happens, you are exactly where the Devil, the enemy of your soul and marriage, wants you. He moves in for the kill: Affairs, broken vows, divorce, and long term pain. If there are children, they will be emotionally wounded for a long time.

Bob and his wife, Maria, came to see us. They were in terrible bondage! They sat on the couch in our mentoring room about three feet apart. They did not even want to look at each other.

She was mad at and rejecting of him because, in her words, “He always has his mind either on work, sports, or the TV! He is not what I need in a husband!”

He was fed up with her! He stated, “She is never satisfied with me or what I do. She seems to spend much more time with her friends than with me! She never wants to cuddle or sit next to me. I feel so rejected. I need a better wife!”

Well, there you have it! The perfect marriage dilemma. Both were quietly searching for someone…anyone who would listen to them, comfort them, and affirm them. This couple is right on the edge of destruction. Adultery is right around the corner.We shared with this troubled couple that one of the methods the Devil uses is to get each marital partner to look to their mate as his or her enemy. He or she is the one that needs to shape up or possibly ship out.

We often hear something like, “Why…if he would just get his act together, I’d be happier and more content. He is the problem! He is the cause for all our problems.”

Ah Ha! The spiritual forces of darkness rejoice when one or both partners feel this way. “Yea…it’s getting so bad! She has become a real millstone around my neck! She is keeping me from becoming all that God has planned for me and for us!” If this couple were soldiers in a foxhole in a distant battlefield, they would be intent on getting everyone to agree that the enemy is not out there, but here in this miserable foxhole. “My mate is my enemy!”

Yes! This is the common plan the Devil uses to destroy homes…especially Christian homes. The Devil knows that if the Christian husband and wife begin to take their wretched eyes off of each other and lift them up unto God, they will begin to receive one another as a precious gift from God instead of a thorn in their side. People will then begin to see Jesus shine through this couple. They may then be drawn to check out the claims of Christ and call on Him to save them.

Couples must realize that they are in a spiritual battle of immense proportions with eternal consequences. They must realize they are on the same team. They wear the same uniform. They must understand that they are Allies chosen by God for His mission of leading as many people to faith in Christ and Heaven as possible. This is the main reason God commanded the Christian couple to marry in the first place.

In Genesis Chapter 2, God, the Provider, presents His custom designed gift to Adam who discovered he had been quite lonely up until that point. Instead of being absolutely thrilled with God’s handcrafted gift, Eve, can you imagine Adam looking at Eve for the first time and blurting out, “Hey God! Do you have anything back in the warehouse with blond hair, perhaps something with a better personality? And, that nose…that has to change!” How do you think Eve, God’s fashioned gift, would have felt? Worse yet, how do you think God the Provider and Fashioner would have felt?

I think the reason Adam did not reject Eve was he fully depended on his Heavenly Father to know what was best for him, and rested in that trust. He focused on the Provider and not the provision. He kept his focus upward.

If you want God’s peace and joy to be present in your home, you need to earnestly grab a hold of this principle. Look at your mate and gladly welcome and receive him or her as God’s ordained, well fashioned gift for you. You even need his or her weaknesses! When both of you do this by faith, God delights in you. Each of you chooses full acceptance with no hint of rejection. To hint rejection or require performance improvement is to slap God in the face.

Couples that do that always reap the consequences. So who are you focusing on in your marriage?