Marriage Anchors

Although I became a Christian at 18, I did not really get serious about the Lord until much later. As a young husband and father, my family suffered because I was carnal and double minded. I wanted to follow God but I also craved the respect and approval of people. My priorities were out of balance and sin had its hold on me. We were all fairly miserable. I regret those sins. God began to humble me and break down my pride in my late 20’s. Soon after I turned 30, I renewed my vows to the Lord and committed to full time, vocational ministry.

Five years later, we moved to Illinois so I could attend seminary. The moving van that we hired to transport all of our belongings went up in flames during some repair work. We were lied to and cheated by this moving company. It took three years to get it settled. This crisis took up much of my time during my first year of seminary.

At the beginning of my final year of school, Julie was diagnosed with lupus, sojgrens syndrome, and, worst of all, advanced breast cancer. It was as if our hopes, plans, and dreams, were crystal figurines being smashed by a brutal sledgehammer. No matter how you look at it, cancer is an awful and sadistic disease. It not only eats away at the person it is ravaging, but it also eats away at the whole family. Relationships are strained. Emotions become wooden and empty. Anger and fear become the norm. Exhaustion is standard. Cancer lives with you.

Through eight surgeries, four regimens of chemotherapy, three separate hair losses, and months in hospitals, a frightening bone marrow transplant, and five unsuccessful trips to Bethesda, Maryland (National Cancer Institute), Julie fought her disease with courage maintaining her faith in God. Many were strengthened by her bravery. The chemotherapy helped to extend her life but it was devastating to her and to the rest of us.

She suffered from severe depression at times and experienced terrible mood swings that made living in our home difficult. On a regular basis, she would cycle into a destructive, violent rage. Other times she could be very pleasant. Then, when least expected, her mood would change and she would beat, kick, and claw me. I should have called 911 and gotten her help many times. But I failed to do so.

You see I was trying to protect and preserve our image as the wonderful, suffering missionary family. Worse, I resisted getting her professional help because, deep inside, I thought the town’s people and church family would think I was a bad husband. I thought if I were the husband God wanted me to be, Julie would respond with grace, kindness, and a stable emotional frame of mind. She suffered from a bi-polar disorder of some type. Her extended family refused to believe that she was mentally unstable. I begged them for help. My pleas fell on deaf ears.

Frequently, our home was filled with chaos, tension, and anger outbursts. One minute she would be stable and the next she would fall apart. The four kids and I, along with Julie, were on one big roller coaster.

On top of all this, I felt utterly helpless. I was with Julie almost constantly for seven years during this battle, but I could not help her. I could not heal her. The Lord knows I tried just about everything known to man. The suspense of not knowing when the cancer would strike again or take her life was like swimming in dark waters with that shark from "Jaws" near us.

We could never escape its presence or its influence. I once described living with long term cancer in our family as living with an evil, vindictive presence holding all of us hostage. Even when we went on vacation, "it" came with us. It controlled the life of our family. It was a cruel and terrifying time.

We put our trust in the Lord but the stress of seeing my wife and the mother of my children slowly melt away like a Popsicle on a hot day, gnawed at me relentlessly. I developed severe migraine headaches that lasted 24 hours a day for two years. The pain wrestled me to the floor many times. I became depressed and exhausted, weary beyond words. My heart became like wood. Life to me had the taste of sawdust. I felt old.

I got hooked on prescription painkillers. It was like I could not get through the continuous headache pain without them. I prayed and prayed but they would not go away. I had bottled up so much agony. You see, I was Julie’s husband and father of four children. I felt it was my responsibility to protect my family. Yet I could not stop the cancer.

I sought the Lord and asked several men to meet with me regularly to encourage me, pray with me, and hold me accountable. This was of great help! I confess that several times during the cancer battle, I lost hope. Seven years is a long time. Several times, I felt that God had abandoned me. Thank heavens, I knew this not to be true since Jesus promised to never leave nor forsake me. I was able to put my trust in "what is written" in the Word of God instead of my emotions or my experience. Once again, here is the Faith Definition:

Faith is choosing to live as though the Bible is true, regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends.

Julie died at home where she wanted to be with all of her family near her. She could no longer breathe since the cancer had invaded her lungs. The morphine and oxygen weren't helping anymore. She told me she wanted to go home to be with Jesus. And on that mid June afternoon, she did. We would have been married twenty years, missing our anniversary by only seven days.

I am learning that living by faith in the Lord Jesus is never easy. It is so hard sometimes, especially when life comes at you like a tsunami! Yet, our Savior and Great Shepherd is the One who holds us secure. He lights the way when the way is dark, and the path is rough. He knows we can’t make it on our own. I am slowly learning that He is my life; not my circumstances. Only He satisfies my soul. My trust must remain in Him.

Adapted from Chapter 3 “Jim’s Rowboat Story” from Remember the Rowboats; Anchor your Marriage to Christ  by Jim and Barbara Grunseth                       [email protected]

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7 Glues for your Engagement and Marriage

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Marriage Anchors

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Rekindling Your Faith

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