Marriage Anchors

12. July 2010

8. July 2010

Marriage Anchor 1: Possess the highest view of God.

At the age of 28, I had a wife and 2 very small children; a boy and a girl. I worked hard with long hours at my company. My wife was home with the kids. When I was home I was tired and tended to be pre-occupied with work and earning the approval of my bosses. Jesus and church appeared to be important in my life, yet my priorities and accompanying attitude revealed otherwise.

I was a dyed in the wool people pleaser! Everyone at work and at church thought I was a committed follower of the Lord Jesus and His teachings. Confession: I was a carnal, incongruent man! I put on a Christian face outside the home at church and work, but I put on a different face at home. I was two faced and torn within. [...]

8. July 2010

0 Comments

Marriage Anchor 2: Focus on the Provider and not on the provision.

After years of mentoring couples, we find many are focusing on what God has provided them instead of focusing on the One who provides. We try to help them first look to God so they can properly see their mate.

Here is the dilemma. You marry the love of your life. You step down off the marriage altar and begin to zero in on your mate. Naturally, over time, you begin to focus on his or her faults, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. [...]

8. July 2010

0 Comments

Marriage Anchor 3: Surrender this hour.

Typically when we think of “surrender”, we think of giving up, tossing the towel in, or giving in to the opposing forces’ demands. In the spring of 1865, General Lee had to make the most difficult decision of his life. The following is an eyewitness account:

With his army surrounded, his men weak and exhausted, Robert E. Lee realized there was little choice but to consider the surrender of his Army to General Grant. After a series of notes between the two leaders, they agreed to meet on April 9, 1865, at the house of Wilmer McLean in the village of Appomattox Courthouse. The meeting lasted approximately two and one-half hours and at its conclusion the bloodiest conflict in the nation's history neared its end…

At a little before 4 o'clock General Lee shook hands with General Grant, bowed to the other officers, and with Colonel Marshall left the room. One after another we followed, and passed out to the porch. Lee signaled to his orderly to bring up his horse, and while the animal was being bridled the general stood on the lowest step and gazed sadly in the direction of the valley beyond where his army lay – now an army of prisoners. He smote his hands together a number of times in an absent sort of way; seemed not to see the group of Union officers in the yard who rose respectfully at his approach, and appeared unconscious of everything about him.

All appreciated the sadness that overwhelmed him, and he had the personal sympathy of every one who beheld him at this supreme moment of trial. The approach of his horse seemed to recall him from his reverie, and he at once mounted. General Grant now stepped down from the porch, and, moving toward him, saluted him by raising his hat. He was followed in this act of courtesy by all our officers present; Lee raised his hat respectfully, and rode off to break the sad news to the brave fellows whom he had so long commanded. ^[i]

Surrender is never an easy thing. It tears at the very fabric of our being. One of the main reasons for destructive conflict in marriage is that one or both mates are fighting an ongoing Civil War in their own hearts. The battle is not between the North and the South, but it is between God and self.

We desire to call all the shots and run our life apart from the lordship, direction, and empowering of the Holy Spirit. This very personal, spiritual battle lies at the crux of almost every struggle in marriage, in family, and, in fact, in all relationships.

Galatians 5:16-24 says:

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.”

Minute by minute, hour by hour, it boils down to this: Choose to follow Christ and His Word or continue to navigate the rocky waters of sin, and stubborn self-will. You will discover that when you lay down your weapons of pride and self-focus, you will become someone your mate wants to be near. You will find yourself with a servant’s heart. When you honor God in your home with a choice to serve your mate and surrender to Christ’s rule, He promises you something. 1Samuel 2:30b says,

“Those who honor me I will honor…”

We invite you to surrender this hour to the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ. Join Jesus in His prayer to our heavenly Father for surrender in Matthew 6:10:

“your kingdom come, your will be done…”

If you are not, yet, a follower of Christ and therefore, do not have the gracious, enabling Holy Spirit within you, please click the following to find out how to invite Christ into your life:

click link to Your Anchor

^[i] "Surrender at Appomattox, 1865," EyeWitness to History, www.eyewitnesstohistory.com (1997).

7. July 2010

0 Comments

Marriage Anchor 4: Look for the Ancient Path.

Jennie, a young lady in her early 30’s, went for a relaxed, peaceful walk in a national park. The sky was blue, the air fresh, and the trees whispered in the breeze. She chose a well worn path that many hikers often took. After about ten minutes, she came to a fork in the trail.

The path to the left seemed wide and smooth with very few hills or curves. The one on the right was narrow, with roots and half buried boulders. It curved left to right and up and down deep into the thick forest. The left path seemed inviting and clear of thorny vines. The right path was initially not appealing. It was the more difficult way.

Which path do you think she chose?

Each of us is given the opportunity to choose the right or the wrong path. Honor and character are never achieved easily. Brokenness, humility, and servanthood are definitely not found on the wide path on the left where most people travel. Who in their right mind wants to become broken, humiliated, and servant-like? These three qualities are desperately needed in a Christian Marriage. Both marriage partners need to regularly ask God to lead them on this demanding journey. In the Bible, Joshua 24:15 says,

“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

We want to encourage you to choose the best, yet more challenging path of following the Lord Jesus with complete abandon. Choose to love and serve your mate without condition. Give up your quest to find your inner self. It will only lead to disappointment and despair. Call upon the Lord Jesus. Choose to issue kindness and peace instead of contention and rage in your home. Apply Jeremiah 6:16:

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls…”

Allow yourself to be brought low. Ask that God grant you His wisdom and grace to love, affirm, and protect your mate regardless of their ability to earn it. In the book of Proverbs, Chapter 4: verses 12-15, we receive advice:

“When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way.” (Bold added)

Continuing in Proverbs, Chapter 4, look at verses18 and 19:

“The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.”

Choices:

Look up. Look up to Christ alone. Gaze upon Him and only occasionally glance to the concerns of this world. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 Your mate will be encouraged!

Look out. Look out beyond yourself and your pain. Ask Jesus to give you eyes for those in need of compassion, patience, and understanding. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 What an example you will be for your family!

Look past. Look past people’s sins and help them whether they are of a foreign faith, background, or citizenship. Look past how others have hurt you. See beyond the injury they have caused. Forgive and choose to love. Be as Christ would be to them.

Look away. Turn your eyes away from wicked, worthless things. “I have made a covenant with my eyes.” – Job 31:1 “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” Psalm 101:3a Ask, “Will this honor God?”

Look ahead. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 Too many husbands and wives are wearing their bright badge of suffering from the wounds of their past. If not dealt with, this will cripple their present relationships. They seem not interested in giving out compassion because they are always wrapped up in demanding to receive it. Forsake this self-focused cry for pity.

Look to. Look to your present and your future in light of eternity. Don’t get bogged down with the temporary things of this earth. Help the poor, issue forgiveness, and share with those who need the Savior. Learn to serve the Lord together so you and your mate develop a humble reputation for loving Christ and serving others. Only what is done for Christ will last forever.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 (Bold added)

7. July 2010

0 Comments

Marriage Anchor 5: “Hesed” your mate no matter what.

In the Old Testament book of Hosea God commands a man to marry and love an unfaithful woman called Gomer. She even became a harlot after their marriage and Hosea has to buy her out of sexual slavery. So much for her keeping her vows! The year was about 710 B.C. and God had called Hosea to be His prophet to the Northern Kingdom known as Israel.

Hosea 3:1-3 says, "The LORD said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.' So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, 'You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you.'"(Bold added)

In Hosea 2:19-20, God reveals to us the type of love He has for His children (Israel) and therefore the type of love Hosea is to demonstrate through obedience to God toward the unlovable, wretched Gomer. He was not asked to feel “in love” or to experience romantic warm fuzzies, but rather to show love.

Hosea 2:19-20 reads, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.” (Bold added)

This love is “hesed”. Charles Ryrie in the NIV Study Bible (p. 1203) writes, “It means loyal, steadfast, or faithful love and stresses the idea of a belonging together of those involved in the love relationship. Here it connotes God’s faithful love for His unfaithful people.” By Hosea choosing to obey God’s command to unconditionally show mercy, and unwavering commitment to Gomer who did not deserve it, Israel would have a “real life” model of God’s unending, unmerited, unwavering love and mercy toward them.

Likewise, in Psalm 21:6,7, King David writes a powerful message to us:

“Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence. For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.” (Bold added. This is the Hebrew word, “Hesed”)

God’s love will never fail you even when you fail Him. He will never leave or forsake you. You are prone to failure. He is not. You, oh Christian, are the glad recipient of God’s everlasting, unconditional favor and uncondemnable kindness. His “hesed” for you is because of Him, not you. In His eyes, you are innocent of all charges. You have been washed by the blood of the Lamb. You are holy and precious to Him. Treat your mate the way God treats you.

You are to demonstrate this same “hesed” love toward your mate. The world is watching. The world is searching for evidence that the God of the Bible is real and that His love for His children is unconditional and everlasting. When you honor God and love your mate as Hosea loved Gomer and as God loves His children, others will be drawn to the Lord Jesus Christ. Souls will be robbed from being sent to Hell, and the numbers in Heaven will increase. Now you know why Satan wants to isolate and destroy your marriage. People are looking at your marriage to see if Jesus and the Bible are real!^[i]

Does the Lord Jesus really satisfy your weary, frustrated, and, at times, wandering soul? Is your marriage a “satisfied” marriage? Gladly receive God’s hesed and quickly pass this tender, uncompromising love on to your mate. It is contagious!

[i] Adapted from Chapter 10, “Oars and Life Jackets”, Remember the Rowboats: Anchor your Marriage to Christ, pp: 94-95.

7. July 2010

0 Comments

Marriage Anchor 6: Rest in what Jesus has decided about you.

Bob and his wife, Maria, are in a rut. They each feel like they cannot measure up to what they need to be. Bob struggles being a few pounds overweight, very impatient, and, always trying to earn praise from his bosses at work. He has some health issues but does not want anyone knowing about them. What might people think if they found out about his weaknesses and insecurities?

Maria worries all the time. Battles with her kids, her looks, her clothes, and her health are made more complex because of terrible memories from her past. Abuse and disrespect in her pre-adolescent and teen years has left her with a very damaged and sagging self-image. She wishes she were someone else with a different history and better life.

Most of us, at one time or another, feel like we don’t measure up. If we are not confident in our identity in Christ, two destructive things can happen: We will settle for our depressing opinion of ourselves or we will despair trying to get other people to like us.

If you are a follower of Jesus, the Devil has a well oiled plan to destroy you, your marriage, your family, and your witness for Christ.

He despises the truth so he feeds you very believable lies. He gets you to believe that your worth in life, at school or work, and at home is based on three things:

Your performance
Your appearance
Your possessions

He will help you construct an Ideal Version of yourself that is always better than the Real You.

If you are a man, you may desire to be more handsome, more popular, and in demand. You may desire more degrees, more promotions, better health, more hair, and a great physique. You may feel your big break will come any day now.

If you are a woman, you may want more men to notice you. You may wish you weighed less, had better clothes, and a perfect childhood with an intact family. You might wish you had a great home, wonderful friends, and perhaps a loving, stable husband along with healthy children. You might expect others to you admire more for your ability to spin many plates at once with amazing skill.

What the Devil does not tell you is that as you strive to become that person who performs better, has better appearance, and has more things, this Phantom and monstrous Ideal Version of you raises the bar and looms even higher! The result is you feel terrible! You say to yourself, “Oh what’s the use! I try hard. Then I give up and fail. After awhile, I try hard again only to repeat the tragic cycle. Not only can I not measure up to my punishing Ideal Self, but I feel I cannot measure up to my mate’s demands and those at work / school and church! I want to check out! I feel like tossing the towel in and running away or maybe hurting myself…”

Jesus has wonderful news for you! The only “you” that Jesus loves, died for, and delights in is the Real You! You know, the one who is imperfect, who stumbles and fumbles. The one who struggles and does not have his or her act together. The one who fails now and then. The one with the imperfect past. The one who is a few extra pounds over weight. The one who’s mate is critical towards them. The one who has doubts and insecurities.

Jesus wants to crucify your Ideal Self, rebuke the Devil and send Him fleeing!

Circle at least 3 of the following eternal truths that bring you hope and encouragement: (Note: These are all true at all times and in all places if you belong to Jesus.)

You are God’s own daughter or son. John 1:12
You are a fellow heir with Jesus. Romans 8:17
In Jesus, you are a brand new creature. 2 Corinthians 5:17
You are right now a Saint! Ephesians 1:1
You are Heaven’s citizen—not Earth’s. Philippians 3:20
You are made righteous. You did not earn it. 2 Corinthians 5:21
Jesus will never leave or forsake you. Hebrews 13:5
You are redeemed and forgiven forever! Colossians 1:14
You are not really living! Jesus is living in and through you! Galatians 2:20
You can never be condemned again! Never! Romans 8:1
You are precious, honored, and always loved just the way you are. Isaiah 43:4-5

Be of good cheer. Your Lord Jesus loves you. He will comfort, provide for, and guide you. Zephaniah 3:17 captures beautifully your Heavenly Father’s endearing compassion for you, cradling you softly and safely in His arms:

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

“Faith is choosing to live as though the Bible is true,

regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends.”

Life Builders Faith Principle, Campus Crusade for Christ

If you choose to rest in what Jesus has decided about you, you must live by Faith. We recommend you memorize the following Faith Principle and then start applying it as you read and meditate on Scripture.

If you are God’s child, and He accepts you just the way you are, warts and all, then you need to cherish, affirm, uphold, and accept your marriage partner just the way he or she is, imperfections, insecurities, idiosyncrasies and all! After all, aren’t you to love your mate in the same way the Lord Jesus loves you?